Thursday, June 02, 2011

mixed feelings of a future FTM

I couldn't be more thankful to Allah for this gift. Yes, I got pregnant straight away after marriage and I am thankful to know that I am able to conceive and Alhamdulillah I've passed the 20 weeks mark, which means I am halfway through my pregnancy.
Of course I am excited and happy about it. However, the anxiety and nervousness of becoming a mother has definitely set in. I always read online on parenting, pregnancy etc and recently bought some parenting magazines to equip myself with as much knowledge as I can but sometimes, the more I read, the more I discover about new things and the more I discover about new things, the more nervous I became. Recently I read an article in Parenthood magazine about how to prevent high fever in infants/babies and my mind started wandering. All the "what ifs" came to my mind. I also started thinking:
  • How will my baby look like?
  • Is my baby healthy and doing fine in my tummy?
  • Am i taking enough nutritional foods?
  • Will I be able to take care of my baby?
  • How is my life gonna be when the baby arrives?
  • Am I gonna have a normal birth?
  • How will I juggle work and my new life?
  • What if my baby falls sick the night before I have to attend court the next morning, especially for a hearing or a trial?
  • What if I am required to go outstation and spend the night there?
My oh my. The list of things that worry me is endless. As at the last check up, we weren't able to tell the baby's sex just yet. He/she refused to cooperate. In fact he/she decided to cross his/her legs! You are only 19 weeks old (at that time) and you already have a mind of your own, huh? *babab* I am eager and anxious to know the baby's sex because to date, I have only bought a pack of 7-piece bodysuits for my baby, in red & white combo. I'm already in my 5th month and I haven't prepared a thing for my baby. *sigh* I feel like a bad mummy-to-be. Weekends have been packed with activities and family matters that I don't have the time to shop for my baby. Ok now I'm worried again.
  • When am I gonna buy the baby's stuffs? I know the list is endless!
  • Where do I begin?
  • What should I get first? Clothes? How many? Feeding tools? Traveling system?
  • What brand(s) should I get?
Since I don't know whether it's gonna be a boy or a girl, I don't know what/how to buy. People told me to buy neutral coloured clothes to be safe i.e. green, yellow, white but if my baby is a girl, of course I want to get most stuffs in pink and if it's a boy, blue, of course.
And then there's the part where I am having a hard time looking for maternity work clothes, especially white shirts to wear to court. I am at the point where I can't fit my normal clothes yet I am not big enough to pull of maternity clothes. I look big and frumpy in one. Casual clothes are not an issue since there are a lot of clothes that can accommodate the growing belly (even though sometimes I feel my baby bump looks small, which also raises a worry in me). I went to maternity boutiques but i couldn't find any white shirt that is proper for court. Found only one at Modern Mum and it was the last piece available. Yes, I took it. I've no choice. I've started wearing maternity pants though. They are super comfy but I still have trouble finding suitable formal work clothes. I may not attend Court everyday so I need proper work clothes i.e. shirts. I bought one in white with blue stripes but I haven't stared wearing it simply because I will look big in it.
Btw I have finally felt the baby's movement and it feels weird at first but it is definitely a miracle. Before I could feel the movement, I always wondered how it's gonna be like. I know different pregnancies grow at a different rate and FTMs may feel the kicks a little bit later but I was eager to know how it's like. Now that the baby is kicking and moving, I know that it's growing inside there.
Oh well, I know millions of women have gone through this way before me and I'm sure (and I hope) that my anxiety is normal. There's always a first for everything, right? I know I shouldn't be worrying that much but sometimes I can't help it. I'm glad that my husband is very supportive and he has been very patient in dealing with my crankiness, mood swings and all that jazz. But sometimes he's the one who likes to 'petik gitar' so too badlah. One of the good thing about being pregnant is that you can always say that it's the hormones haha. And in my case, I tell my hubby that it's either the pregnancy or it's you who's making me cranky.
But of course, I love him anyway and I love him with all my heart. No one else could love me and treat me the way he does and I am forever thankful for that.

*FTM=First Time Mom


idzerqqy said...

don't worry. I remember how paranoid i was masa preggers dgn airiel. You always have this nagging feeling like 'I'm not ready for this'. But once you see him/her...all that goes away...cliche but so true...!!!

Good luck

Izyan Darling said...

thanks! tu lah, i guess it is normal kan to have this feeling. time is definitely ticking yet i am nowhere near ready yet. *sigh*